lost…

one of my batch mates smsed me some other day,
and mentioned that we’ve completed our bond,
and we are now free… free to decide for our next future.
meaning, we can quit anytime, without having to pay our bond fees…

it struck me some other day, how jaded and lifeless i have become…

last night, i was thinking to myself.
would i still be doing this when i hit 30???
i don’t feel so good just thinking about it…
it seems that every call that i go through,
i feel so empty and lifeless, and i can’t even picture any form of emotions,
and painted any sort of sadness, or the pain that my pa.tient presents.

there is no doubt what it has made me.
i felt a point where i do not feel anything towards my patient.
whether its sympathy, their pain, anguish or them being anxious.
to me, their emotions do not count,
and neither would i want to venture into what they are experiencing…

there was a time, when a patient actually tried to commit suicide,
and did a sky dive, and had survived the ordeal.
during my transportation of the patient to the hospital,
i left with no emotion what so ever,
and i felt so dead. inside my heart,
i was thinking, even if you die, i won’t feel sorry for you,
since you don’t actually value your own life!!!
i became this heartless person,
and it struck me how my emotions could suddenly just vanish away from me.

i am always happy seeing my beautiful people at work.
they have been a blast and the bestest working colleagues, i would have ever wish for.
but everytime i am placed with a case,
i just feel so jaded and empty.
i don’t feel sorry or pity what so ever…

even death plays no part in making me feel sad…
to me, death is just another day to day basis.
if you have to die, you die lor…
no matter how young or old…
it does not matter to me anymore…

have i let myself to be an emotionless guy???
i guessed, its for me to find that certain ‘element’, that can make me whole again…