unpretty

one of my bloggers buddies email me to help her out in a project.
she’s doing something for her friend.
so, instead of her beating me to it, i might as well do it right here.
first! hehehehhe.
sorry hor fad! i steal your project.

she told me that one of her friends is going through a process of not liking herself very much.
it is something that i can relate to, very very much!
her friend thinks that she is not good looking enough,
and has low self esteem problems.
well, for those of you who might not know me that well,
my history of self esteem problems had surfaced, since i was just in primary school.

i never thought myself as a good looking boy.
in primary school, when girls started to look at boys,
and in a way, discussing, who was handsome, and who they wanted to date,
i was the last person they ever talked about.
you see, i was never a good looking kid growing up.

i thought, the day when God created me,
he was taking a long coffee break. (no pun intended… its just some casual remarks…)
my mom is beautiful, my dad is so goodlooking, and so are my siblings.
i grew up, in their shadows, as a kid, who was not a part of a beautiful family.

i felt really ugly, and i was never good enough for myself.
my relatives made jokes when i was growing up.
you see, as a boy, i was blessed with a very round face,
but i have a very small body.
my face was very round and bloated.
they used to call me buntal. (rounded)

in secondary school, it got a lot worse.
i was very depressed in secondary school.
maybe it was because, the ‘dating’ game had just started,
and ‘boy girl’ relationships were a huge deal back then.
i, was the geek.
i hardly get noticed by my female peers,
and neither was i that good in curry flavours.
but i enjoyed sports very much.

for me, running was something i enjoyed doing.
but it was not a popular sport, compare to soccer or those sepak takraw.
those guys in soccer and sepak takraw were the ‘in’ and popular guys.
i was deeply buried by these guys.
not only were they tall and handsome,
they were pretty much popular and getting all the girls.

when i was in polytechnic,
it got a whole lot worst,
and it made me do stupid stuffs to myself.
i would eat a lot,
and spent most of my time gaining weight.
it seemed to be a good hobby for me.
i was eating, and eating, and i didn’t quite care about how people preceived me.

cos i was already ugly, so being fat, was not really a bigger deal.

then i became to realise that i was hurting myself pretty bad.
here i was this fat poly dude,
who wants to make it to the athletics team,
but was totally scrutanised because i was a fat teen!
it got a lot worse when i started not to eat.
i was not anorexic or bulimic or anything.
i just felt like it.

i felt that since i was fat and ugly,
i wanted to torture myself of not eating.
since i’ve been stuffing food most of the time.

the poly years were difficult time because my relatives did not make it any easier.
friends too.
i was once over weight.
i scaled a heavy 75kg before.
and then i slim down.
then i got back to eating,
and started to be fat once again.

my body was having a crisis of eating and not eating.
for certain month i was fat,
and then there was a certain period i grew slimmer.
i was in yo yo weight situation that made me hated myself even more.
yes.
i hated myself.
i dread looking in the mirror. to me, what i saw on the reflection,
was an ugly person.
i felt ugly.
and i so wanted to be a better person.
i appeared jovial and happy with my friends and family.
but inside, i was telling myself,
” you are so damn freaking ugly!
why are you still here on earth!!???”

i was having this crisis of eating and not eating, and it got so bad,
that i realised its best to eat, then not to eat!
so, i grew fat, fat and more fat.
i don’t have my fattest photo around, cos at that period of time,
i was at my worst stage.

they said girls experienced this more than guys!
i stood to be corrected!!!
i guessed, i was one of those few percentage of guys who never thought highly of himself.
but i never made a big deal out of it.
i wasn’t retaliating of being ugly.
i was more of like disparaging myself for being ugly.
i looked down on myself.

the worst part of growing up in polytechnic was when i was introduced to my bestest of friends.
they are still my bestest of friends.
i realised that my friends were all beautiful and handsome.
i swear, i was jealous with everyone of them.
the guys in my clique were tall, handsome, and very well admired by many girls.
and the girls in my group were beyond the word pretty,
sexy and nice.

everytime i was with them, i showed a happy face.
a happy persona, but in my heart, i was telling myself,
i was never good enough for them.
just looked at them!
they are all handsome and pretty.
and looked at you.
you were so dead ugly!

national service was something that i had treasured,
but serving it was the worst feeling.
i don’t want to go there,
cos it was really a painful experienced.
just to share you something,
i was feeling utterly depressed.

i began to love myself, truly and finally in 2003.
i met someone, and the person had showed me, what it was like,
to really love yourself and looked deep in within.
the person said, no one can ever make you handsome or ugly, but yourself.
if you never realised that you are that special,
no one else can.

it took me 23 years of my life to finally appreciate what God has given me.
i was never thankful of HIM, when i was growing up.
but now i realised how much i love myself,
and felt so beautiful inside.
i felt that when you feel good inside,
you will feel good on the outside.

loving yourself is not something that people tend to make a subject out of it.
i mean, you love your boyfriend, you love your girlfriend,
you love your mom, dad, sis, brother,
but have you ever stopped and realised,
that by loving yourself, you tend to love others more.

its something that i can’t teach those who have low self esteem problems.
it is something that you need to figure it out.
no matter what people say about you,
no matter what negatives that has been hurled,
you are who you are,
and it is the most beautiful thing God has ever created.

i’m glad that i realised it soon enough.
i wouldn’t know what will happen if it was too late.
they said that, there were times when you were younger,
you don’t look your very best.
but when you grow up, you will be someone special.

i truly feel that way.
i guessed, as i’ve grown older, i appreciate myself more,
and i’m not ashamed to say that i am freaking good looking bastard!

wahahahahahahahah!
to me, loving yourself is a gift, no one can ever take that away from you.

if i had a chance to go back and tell myself while i was growing up,
i will tell myself, to take my time,
and not let people judge the way you are.
who you are.
you are beautiful, you are special and you are God’s greatest creation.